How I long to not know anything

to be guided by the gentle expansion of nothing

another human’s eyes resonating neither right not wrong

simply to see beautiful eyes looking back at me

 

How much does my heart beat its wisdom of unknowing

Its gentle path whispering like a sweet song on the wind

A breathless wonder echoing in my ears

 

How I long to not know anything at all

But to simply listen to what is not even here.

Time,

Measures, manages, governs our every action

And in that moment we forget to listen

 

To listen to the blades of grass rustling in the wind

 

To listen to the earth’s heart beat, 

to it’s steady solid rhythm,

 

Or to the wind calling us to come home

 

It’s time, just for a moment, to put down Time, 

our clocks, our watches, our mobile phones

 

And instead to stop, to breath, to listen

 

All the worlds live in that moment

 

When the starling takes flight

and our hearts begin to sing.

Soft music fills the world,

The drum of the heart beat

        - scattered.

 

Each moment of every day

Collected

and given like a gift,

 

I stand in the doorway of this day

and the tomorrow of another dream,

 

My backpack full to the brim with gifts from yesterdays tale.

 

Enchanted by the sunlight on the otherside

I put it down,

walk forward

with nothing but the tears of today’s sorrows

and the joy of a lightened load.

I forgot my soul

the moment the labour contractions began,

the moment the rise of motherhood burst through my exhausted body.

I forgot her

and she curled up in the bottom of the wardrobe of my life

and fell asleep,

paused.

 

Occasionally she peers out and pulls on my heart

reminding me of myself for just a second,

but then motherhood returns, knocking loudly on the door

and once again the cloudiness of forgetting covers my soul.

I become consumed by another,

who needs my full attention and love for their own survival.

 

a privilege

an honour

exhausting to the core

 

Before I know it, this moment will be over, 

my child will grow,

my soul will uncurl herself, 

stretch her sleepy arms

and rise back into the centre of me

I will remember her once again

I know darkness 

I have drunk from the fiery waters that consumed my every being

I have touched the darkness of an empty cavern, so vast I could have drowned

 

I have fought against it, run from it, died within it and survived

 

I have screamed and cried and spent my days hiding under a duvet in the hope

I would wake up to another life, another mind… and survived

 

I have turned, turned towards that darkness and found a door on the other side,

I have walked into another life, 

walked with sun beating on my face, where my shadows 

and fears danced on the street next to me,

a little softer than before

 

I know darkness and I know how to live, to love, to feel the sorrow and the joy that courses through my body. I have more than survived.

What is it that opens up the edges of beyond?

sending us spiralling into the unknown

how do we stand and flow in the same breath

allowing nothing to be and everything

 

the fullness of our joy, from the deepest most lonely thoughts,

our darkest shadow shining light that we thought we never saw

 

The edges of our being, the limits of our mind

take a chance, take a risk and become alive.

Grief touches my heart,

and it opens

the closeness of sorrow

is not a darkness,

nor a cloud thick with rain.

 

it is an invitation to the possibility of living

of loving beyond the shadow of my own being

 

What is loss if not the recognition of love?

What is living

 

If not the trepidatious exploration of the cliff edge of

death